hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
