i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
