I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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