Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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