Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
