I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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