Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
