At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
