I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
