Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
