nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
