things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
