i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
