theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
