Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's get the cat blown out
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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