It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
