I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
