when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
