mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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