This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
