The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
