i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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