My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
