Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
