I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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