I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I lost the right to judge tonight
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
