Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
