I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
