my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
