John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My day in three words: secret purse cake
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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