Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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