You just made me feel so damn special
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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