Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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