Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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