You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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