I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
