just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
