so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
