Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
