We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
