Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
