You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
