you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
