im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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