do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
