somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
