its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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