Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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