When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
