i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
