proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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